By: DrAttai
Jan 19, 2014
When Friends Suffer
January 14, 2014 #BCSM Tweetchat : When Friends Suffer – a discussion of how to support someone in pain
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There has been so much loss and challenge the past few weeks. This is our space. #bcsm
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Q1. Suffering is part of life….. but how do we help our friends, and ourselves, when difficulties strike? #bcsm
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A1 FIRST, we listen. We become a safe place and just listen when someone else is in a difficult place. #bcsm
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Q1. We help by just being there for them, listening, being with them, witnessing… and not making it about ourselves. #bcsm
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T1: Our suffering is part of a sea of experience. I try to remind myself and others that it provides contrast for when things are good #bcsm
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Just listen. Just be there. And for God’s sake don’t say anything stupid. “I’m sorry” is just fine. #bcsm
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A1 Listen, respect,don’t judge and don’t assume – we need to be sensitive to what a person needs/seeks in tough times #bcsm
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Q1: LISTEN to them. Let them vent or cry or laugh or be “inappropriate”. Let them drive. Take over the wheel when needed. #bcsm
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T1: I try to just hold space – to be quite while feelings are experienced & expressed #bcsm
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#bcsm Q1 take time, figure out your feelings, listen, try not to speak until your sorted out. Then remember sometimes it’s not all about me
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#bcsm hard to do sometimes but don’t bring your own pain to the party. be there for your friend. only “share back” if they ask. it’s my code
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T1: Being there for the Duration! #bcsm
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Listen without judgement or pretense or opinion – even when it’s hard to do. #bcsm
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#bcsm the power of human touch is priceless
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A1 SHOW UP. There are many ways this can be achieved … #bcsm
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T1 I try to never say, “I know…..” because quite honestly, I DON’T. #bcsm
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A1 “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say, but I’m glad you told me.” #bcsm
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Empathy is one of the redeeming qualities we can carry with us at all times. You can be empathetic in silence. That can be huge. #bcsm
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Allow yourself space to not know the answers, to allow your presence and your listening to be the gift. #bcsm
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Q1. This bears repeating: to be there for someone who is suffering we need to take our egos off the table. It is about THEM, not us. #bcsm
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Be present. If you’re going to be here for me, be here 100%. Don’t make me feel like I’m inconveniencing you #bcsm
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T1 recap: empathy, respect, love, hugs, support, understanding, quiet strength….. that’s how the #BCSM community rolls!
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I’ve found that my on-line friends have been much more helpful. Maybe IRL hard for people to just “be”. #bcsm
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Q2: What are some healthy ways of coping when many in your life are suffering? #bcsm
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Q2: Remember to take care of yourself too – you’ll be of greater help to others that way. #bcsm
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Q2: One thing that I would strongly emphasize is that you *have* to outline and focus on your self-care. #bcsm
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Q2: Engage in self-care practices. For me, painting, exercise, etc. Vital to help care for others. #BCSM
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Q2 shopping 🙂
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Q2: No matter what is happening with your loved ones and friends, if you get overextended you won’t be able to care for you or them. #bcsm
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T2: Together…enjoying the moments of togetherness. #bcsm
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Q2: I also think that it is critically important to check in with yourself about feelings of survivor guilt. #bcsm
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Q2: Oxygen mask on first. Then get enough sleep. Can’t care when over tired! #bcsm
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Let negative shallow people go
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A2: When you are well(ish), you are allowed to celebrate that wellness. It doesn’t honor your friends to sacrifice your life. #bcsm
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A2 I’m learning self care first, listen to my own body. Practice “HALT” when I’m overwhelmed. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. #bcsm
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T2 recap: get rid of toxic friends, take care of you, rest, breathe, sit in silence, celebrate wellness, celebrate milestones… #bcsm
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Survivor’s guilt is a toxic issue when there is so much suffering happening. So is the struggle to ask for help. #bcsm
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T2 recap: new goals, no goals, keep moving, flush the emotional toxins, eat cookies, live large, live small… do what works for you #bcsm
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Here’s the thing with survivor’s guilt: cancer is the bad guy. If you are lucky enough to survive–that’s a gift. #bcsm
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You deserve the gift of survival. We all deserve the gift of survival. #bcsm
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Survivor’s guilt is eased by remembering how much of life in general is random. No good reason it’s me, no good reason it isn’t #bcsm
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The challenge is that rationalising survivor’s guilt doesn’t make it FEEL better or go away…… #bcsm
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But survivor’s guild is particularly problematic when it causes you to withdraw, to not accept help, to disconnect from life. #bcsm
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Does anyone find survivor’s guilt eased by reaching out to help others rather than focusing inward? #bcsm
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Maybe the best defense against survivor’s guilt is living a life with purpose. Living in a way that honors our lost ones. #bcsm
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I think that we want the good and bad things in life to be based on merit–live a good life: stay healthy. #bcsm
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But that’s not how it works. So much pain is random and chance. #bcsm
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Survivor’s guilt feels as if it is intensified by the randomness of what happens, and a sense of vulnerability perhaps #bcsm
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In a bass-ackwards way, our power for real change comes from accepting where we are powerless. #bcsm
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t2 bonus round recap: let go, forgive, accept, “fear less = live more” #bcsm
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I like: depression is living I the past, anxiety is living in the future, peace is living in the moment. #bcsm
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Sure survivor’s guilt is there but I would never have not wanted these women in my life. It was richer because of them. #bcsm
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Tweets full of kindness, insight and wisdom have been flying by! Oy! #bcsm
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Night, all. You’re the shit. Yep, I said that. 🙂 #bcsm
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Closing thought: Continuing to speak, educate & advocate for our loved ones who can no longer do so helps a lot. #GivingBackWithLove #bcsm
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There are some wise, wise people in this group–honored to be in this community. #bcsm
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It was great watching the tweets fly by tonight. You all have wonderful wisdom to share, and I am always learning #bcsm
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<<<< GROUP HUG>>>>>>> #bcsm
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